


My Fears Do Not Define Me

by AnastenLights



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Anxiety, Aquaphobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, it takes some time adjusting to being human again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 21:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17536271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnastenLights/pseuds/AnastenLights
Summary: Sometimes past experiences leave scars others cannot see. That doesn't change the fact they are still scars, and that they can still hurt.Sometimes, it takes a little time to learn to be human again.





	My Fears Do Not Define Me

“You getting in?”

  
I hear Jay’s voice ring clear over the noise of the crowds. It brings my thoughts back to the present, drawing me into focus with that sharp familiar tone.

  
He must have noticed me looking at the water, more than a little apprehensive. “Yeah, I’ll- I’ll be in soon. Just… give me a minute.”

  
Jay had already stepped into the edge of the pool himself, cool liquid sloshing around at his feet as if trying to entice him further into the depths. Further into- _NO_. I take a breath, trying to calm myself. _‘I can do this.’_

  
It had only been a month since we’d moved into Yang’s temple, and while for the most part I’d gotten used to having a solid form again, water was still by far my biggest obstacle. I suppose it had something to do with having to live in a form where I literally couldn’t touch a liquid substance without subjecting myself to the cold embrace of death.

  
Or something like that anyway.

  
Some days I’m barely able to wash myself, and even after a month I’m still only comfortable using a wet sponge to scrub myself rather than fully getting under the running shower.

  
As I ready myself to take the first step I can’t help but pause when I see Jay’s expression. “Everything alright?”

  
“I could ask you the same thing.” He frowns, remembering how sensitive I’ve become to water. “You sure you want to do this?”

  
The water seemed to push and pull at itself, as if trying to come closer. Trying to drag me down into the murk.

  
I shrug, ignoring his question. “I’ll be fine, don’t wait up for me, I’ll meet you guys over there in a bit.”

  
This was, of course, a lie. Both of us knew ‘in a bit’ meant by the time they’d tired of swimming I would still be standing here, trying to get the confidence to stick even my toe in the water.

  
Now it was Jay’s turn to shrug- he gave me another concerned glance and a soft smile as he and turns to go join Zane and Nya at the far end of the pool. “Alright, but you’d better make sure you’re ready to go do something fun you want to do when we’re done.”

  
Once he’s gone I turn and quickly walk away from the water’s edge, ignoring the glances from other pool-goers. _‘Why did I even come? I knew this was a bad idea why did I insist on coming to this death-trap?’_

  
_‘Because,’_ I reason to myself, _‘This is Jay’s favorite place. We’ve been waiting for the re-opening for_ three years _and I’m not going to let him miss this.’_

  
Not for me anyway.

  
When I reach the area we’d previously dumped our belongings onto I grab a towel and sit, situating myself to be furthest from the pool. I could have gone to the arcade with Kai and Lloyd, who had both opted out of going to the pool. I probably would have enjoyed that a lot more as well- but through an awful mix of stubborn pride and wanting to see Jay happy I decided to go the one place I would be most uncomfortable.

  
I reach out and pull my phone out of my bag. Maybe a game will help ease my mind for a moment. Hopefully.

  
Before I can get my passcode in, however, I’m suddenly overcome by a literal wave of water and emotions as a pair of younger kids runs past, one of them carrying a now empty bucket that moments before had been filled with water to be dumped on the kid’s friend.

  
As well as me, apparently. Me and all of our bags, towels, dry clothes, and other things.

  
At first I’m angry- after all, who wants to be splashed on by strangers when you’re clearly in an area as far from the water as you can be? Not to mention they’d gotten my phone wet and it’d been my first new phone in some time, so naturally I’m a little upset by that as well.

  
They don’t seem to realize what they’d done, and have now run off into a large group. As I watch them face I can feel the water drip into my hair, my clothes, all of me. Any anger that remains immediately dissipates, replaced by a resurgence of memories that rush to my mind: hundreds of ghosts, killed instantly from a few raindrops; being on the submarine- being _underwater_ ; becoming a being who could literally die if a single water drop hit me.

  
It all comes back.

  
All of it, and in excruciatingly clear detail.

  
Deep down I know I’m not a ghost anymore and yet some part of me has a hard time believing it. It’s just too soon. Too painful.

  
I can feel my heart pounding faster than it should and my head aches as the panic sets in, every other emotion giving way to cold fear. It’s irrational, of course. _But oh does it feel so real._

  
I wrap my arms around my legs in an attempt to relieve the stress, but the movement just rubs my wet shirt against my body in an uncomfortable way that only further increases the _‘I’m going to die now_ ’ feeling that’s racing through my whole body.

  
The fear, the urge to run, hide, _anything_ is almost unbearable. It’s unbearable and insistent and yet, at the same time I’m screaming at myself that this is all in my head. I’m over-reacting. There’s nothing to be worried about.

  
Unfortunately there’s no negotiating with anxiety, not when it’s already well on it’s way into a full-blown panic attack.

  
“Cole!” It’s not until after I flinch at the touch of Jay’s hand on my shoulder that I realize he’s there standing next to me, his blue eyes wide in worry. He looks around at my wet clothes and the soaked towel in my hands. “What happened?”

  
I don’t respond, still in shock.

  
He hands me a fresh towel. “Here, why don’t you trade for this one? It’s still mostly dry, though I think most of the clothes we brought aren’t dry anymore so we’ll have to wait to give you something else to change into…”

  
I nod numbly, taking the towel from him. Of course the water got into all our dry clothes. I attempt to dry myself off as much as I could, though my hair & clothes would have to wait. No amount of dry towels would be able to fix my wet shirt and shorts in such a small amount of time.

  
Jay reaches out a hand and I grab it, shakily getting to my feet.

  
It’s then I notice he’s still surprisingly dry, almost not a drop of water on him. “You-...”

  
“Didn’t end up wanting to get on the slide.” He takes the towel and wraps it around my shoulders. It’s a comforting gesture but I can feel the fabric pushing on my wet shirt, which in turn rubbed against my skin. Which was the opposite of comforting.

  
He frowns when I shrug it off. “It’s the shirt isn’t it?”

  
I nod.

  
His eyes are bright and sympathetic. They feel like home- they feel _safe_. “Think you can at least get to the car?”

  
I shrug, then shake my head when I feel the cold wet on my shoulders that comes with the movement. “Maybe.”

  
“Well, we can’t stay here, not when all our stuff is soaked like this…. what if I help you get it off? The damp fabric is only making things worse.”

  
I shake my head, “No, I think I can do it. Thanks for the offer though.” Jay’s mouth is curved in that adorable little pout he gets whenever he’s worried. I choose to focus on that as I fumble with my shirt, grimacing as the soaked cloth is dragged over my head and torso. Eventually it’s off, and Jay hands me back the towel. I grab it, shivering- mostly due to the lingering panic but there’s also a slight breeze and I’m wet and shirtless.

  
I’m sure my nightmares aren’t as bad as Lloyd’s, but the wind certainly doesn’t do anything to help my mood. It’s not enough to send me into another round of panic, but it’s close.

  
Jay wraps his arms around me and softly mutters something about how we should leave the park. I nod my head numbly. _It was never a good idea to be around this much water…_

 

We ultimately decide to go join Kai and Lloyd at the arcade after sending a quick text to Nya and Zane to let the rest of the gang know where we’d gone. Jay puts our bags on a table to claim it then hurries off to find our friends while I slide into one of the seats. I’d already changed into new dry clothes but parts of my hair were still wet, plastered to my face.

  
Jay returned with Kai and Lloyd in tow as I flipped through a few apps on my phone, trying to pass the time.

  
“Hey Cole.” Lloyd waved a hand in greeting. I returned it, but more halfheartedly, if not a bit shaky.

  
“Dude,” Kai said. “You look like you saw a ghost- I mean, what happened?” Though he quickly corrected himself the first comment was still heard. “You look awful.”

  
“Well, for the record, I think we _all_ saw the ghosts.” I say in an attempt to lighten the mood. It doesn’t work much, but Lloyd gives me sympathetic chuckle.

  
“Some knuckleheads decided to dump water on him.” Jay says as they all fill into the seats around the table.

  
Lloyd looks ready to fight someone. “What the hell?”  
I nod in agreement. “Guess I’m… guess I’m not as re-adjusted to life among the living as I thought I was.”

  
“I know the feeling.” Lloyd puts a hand on my shoulder. “I mean, I technically wasn’t actually a ghost, but…” He shudders.

  
“We’re all going through hard times- it’s what comes with being a ninja I suppose.” Kai says. “If you want I can show you guys a few tricks I learned trying to get over my fear of swimming? I only ever had an irrational fear of it, I wasn’t ever a ghost or anything, but if you think it might help I’m always there if you need someone to support you.”

  
Jay nodded in agreement. “We all might be going through different things, but we’re all in this together. We’re a team, and even if I haven’t had the same experiences as any of you guys, I still know what it’s like to struggle with mental health and fears, regardless of the cause.”

  
“While I am glad we had this heartwarming talk,” Lloyd says, glancing over at the pizza bar across the room from us at the end of the arcade, “I thought we were supposed to be here to enjoy ourselves. What do you say we get a pizza?”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this mainly as a way of dealing with my own personal stress & anxiety, but also because I felt like we don't see many situations where the heroes have to deal with the consequences of saving the world over and over, and I wanted to write that
> 
> Where else to find me:  
> \- Tumblr: @magicalbluelightning and @anastenlights-art  
> \- Twitter & Instagram: @anastenlights


End file.
